Try thinking of yourself as a “Friendship Coach.” Coaches don’t go out there and play the game for their players. Instead, they give them advice and send them to play. Then, they stand back on the sidelines and watch. When they call their team in, they point out what they saw and give the players some tips and guidance. It should work that way with parents too, coaching your children through their friendships.

1. Rather than acting as lead negotiator in our children’s relationships, we should support them and coach from the sidelines with the following Dos and Don’ts:
2. Reframe friendship altercations as opportunities to learn valuable skills
3. Research shows that children who have good social skills grow up to be more functional and successful adults. And the good news is that these skills can be taught.
4. Like all skills, social skills take practice and don’t come naturally to all children. When our children are experiencing friendship problems it’s an opportunity for us to help them learn vital social skills, build resilience and strengthen their empathy.
5. Listen and empathise - While listening seems so simple, it’s probably often overlooked for that very reason. Just like adults, when kids talk about their problems they want to feel heard, validated and understood.
6. We need to remind ourselves that what might seem small to an adult can loom large in the eyes of a child; so large that it can seem overwhelming.
7. Encourage kids to stand up for themselves
8. Rather than retreating, we should encourage our kids to confront their problems and not simply put up with bad behaviour.
9. Ask kids what they could do differently next time and role-play different scenarios so they feel practised and more confident.
10. Teach kids the difference between healthy and unhealthy friendships

This one is the sort of advice that will be useful right into adulthood. It’s important for our kids to know that they are in control of their lives. This includes the people they choose to surround themselves with. Do their friends make them feel good about themselves? If not, they should minimise the time they spend with people who make them feel bad and spend most of their time with friends who treat them well. Emphasise that trust and respect are ‘must haves’ when it comes to friendship. 

What about bullies?
There’s a lot of talk about bullies and bullying at the moment. The best advice is to avoid the word altogether. The reason is that it’s often misused and leads children — and their parents — to label kids. Instead, she suggests the term “mean-on-purpose”. Children understand what this means and know when someone is intentionally trying to hurt them.

Parents can help their kids come up with a quick comeback statement to combat mean-on-purpose behaviour. It doesn’t have to be an Oscar Wildean witticism. A simple “Not cool”, “Wow” or “That was really mean” will suffice. Quick comeback statements should be delivered in a strong voice with authoritative body language, and then the child should walk away. If they’ve tried using a quick comeback and the person continues to be mean-on- purpose, that’s when an adult needs to get involved to ensure that children feel safe and supported.